It's Time

Two things happened to me yesterday.  First, I edited the video for our "Dancing Oobleck" experiment.  Then, I went to the doctor for an allergy shot.  Both of these things served as a serious wake-up call.

I don't know if this happens to you, but I never really picture myself in my mind the way that I really look. Unlike the normal idea of body dis-morphia where people see themselves as being much larger than they really are, I see myself as much smaller.  Not thin by any means.  But, definitely not the way that I really am.  So, when I see a picture (or video, in this case) I'm a little shocked.  I know that I look in the mirror everyday.  But, until I see a picture, I just don't really see it.  Like Cher said in Clueless, "I don't rely on mirrors, so I always take Polaroids."  Mirrors just aren't reliable!   I'm also disgusted with myself for letting my weight get that bad. 

Part of the problem is that I tend to carry my weight well.  Meaning that no one every guesses how much I really weight.  My whole life, people have been surprised when they learned my weight.  Below are a few examples.  The picture on the right was taken my first day of high school (No, that isn't Sis in the picture with me.  That is her doppelganger - my baby sister.)  I was 14, 5' 7 1/2", and weight 145 lbs.  The picture on the left is of my Senior Christmas Ball dance a few weeks before I turned 18. My height was still 5' 7 1/2".  I weighed 185 lbs.  Yet, in both of these pictures, I look smaller than that.  In fact, in the right-hand picture I was actually in the overweight range by about 20 lbs.

14 years-old (1994), 145 lbs

17 year-old (1997), 185 lbs

 Later, at the doctor's office, we talked about my weight.  When he brought it up, I knew that I was in for a lecture.  How could I not be?  He was very kind, but he did encourage me to work on losing weight and gave me a goal to strive for.  He made some suggestions to help, too.  He also told me my BMI. 

So, it's time to get serious!  No more waffling around and saying, "Yeah, I really need to lose weight" and just sort of hoping it happens. 

I'm signing back up for Weight Watcher's Online.  I'll use my mad money so that I'm not taking away from the family (DH and I each get $25/pay period to do with as we please and call this our "mad money").  I mentioned that I've done WW before with lots of success (see Physical Life).  I lost 60 lbs in about 6 months. The pictures below show you what a huge difference it made!  Yes, Hubby also lost about 50 lbs (and looked so handsome!).

Before and after pictures of the last time I did WW.  I lost 60 lbs and DH lost 50 lbs.

So, what happened?  Well, around the time of the second picture, my husband started having severe stomach pains.  After lots of doctors and emergency room visits, he was diagnosed with diverticulitis.  We spent the next year in and out of hospitals and seeing specialists as he had flair-up after flair-up.  Between the emotional stress, the lack of routine or time to cook, and all the fast-food meals between the hospital and picking the kids up from my parents', the diet went out the window and I quickly started gaining the weight back.  Even after they were finally able to keep the diverticulitis from flaring-up long enough to do surgery and do a bowl-resection, I still didn't have the will to get back on the program.  When I gave up, so did Hubby and he gained his weight back, too.

But, I know that it works!  I know that, if I have the willpower (that comes only from God!) and I stick with it, I can lose weight. 

So, I'm going to do it...and I'm going to blog about it.

Honestly, this scares the bejeezes out of me.  The idea of posting my weight for the world to see makes my stomach tie up in knots.  Posting pictures and measurements makes me want to throw up.  Plus, what if I fail?  Do I want to fall on my face in front of everyone?  That thought brings me close to tears of panic.

I even considered just trying it in secret and not letting anyone know.  I'd take pictures and track my progress and then, if I started to succeed, I'd post about it.  That way I could avoid the embarrassment of the "before" pictures with out the "after" pictures to celebrate and I wouldn't have to worry about letting anyone down.

But, I'm going to step out in faith.

 

Faith that, with the Lord's help, I can do this.

 

Faith that blogging about it will provide motivation.

 

Faith that anyone who happens to read this will be cheering me on and not waiting for me to fail. 

  
So, here is goes.  The ugly, honest truth...

As of today, I weigh 263.3 lbs.  My BMI is 42.  I am morbidly obese and that "morbidly" part frightens me more than the idea of sharing all this information with the world.

Here is a chart of my starting weight, BMI, and measurements:   
 

				MEASUREMENTS IN INCHES
DATE	WEIGHT	HEIGHT	BMI	WAIST	HIPS	CHEST	THIGH	CALF	ANKLE	UPPER ARM	BRA SIZE
8/25/12	263.3	5'6"	42	40	51.5	43	32	19.5	10.5	16	42G

Yes, my height in those old pictures was 5'7 1/2" and my height now is 5'6".  I've managed to shrink 1 1/2 inches over the last 10 years or so.  A lot of that probably has to do with my weight.  But, I was also on a medication that can reduce bone mass for several year and my scoliosis keeps me from standing completely straight.

Also, I included my bra size because that is something that I am desperately hoping decreases significantly.  That should help with my back pain.

Here are my soon-to-be "Before" pictures:

Full front view.  Notice how it looks like I'm leaning to the side?  That is the scoliosis.  By the way, I promise I would never go out in public wearing this!

Full side view.  No, I'm not pregnant.  Although, I've been asked.

Close-up of my chest, belly, and hips.  My hips are very uneven due to the scoliosis.  You can also see why I'm hoping my bra size decreases.

My bum.  I'm completely mortified.

Close-up of my back (rolls).  You can see the deep grooves on my shoulders from my bra straps.

Front view of my double chin.

Side view of my double chin.  It was very temping to do a little airbrushing on my zits, but I'm going for honest here and seriously, after that bum picture, who is going to care about zits?

My flabby arm.  Sadly, that is me trying to make a muscle.  Pretty sure the top is supposed to be the rounded part when you do that.

So, there you have it.  My shame laid bare for the whole world.  I will admit that I also took a photo of my bare belly.  But, because of modesty, I'm not sure I want to share it here.  I need to do some more praying about that one.  I can tell you that, due to having twins, my skin is stretched out beyond anything that exercise can repair.  It would take a tummy-tuck to ever get rid of the stomach flap.

My plan from here is that, each Saturday, I will post on my progress and update with new measurements.  I might not do new photos every week, but I'll try to do them often. I know they will be an important part of my motivation.

My final goal is to weight 155 lbs.  This will put me right inside the healthy weight limits for my height.  You can see from the photos at the top that this will make me look pretty thin. 

I have 108.3 lbs. to go until I reach my goal.
 
If anyone reading this has any encouragement or words of advice, I'd love to hear from you!  Please pray for me as I begin this journey!